Leslie & Laura discuss the critical difference between the idea of the person you married and the actual person you married. They also reveal how having a Dishwashing Definition of Done potentially saves you thousands of dollars; and give the first update on marriage therapy/ritual progress (hint, Leslie’s not doing All The Things).
- Daily Kitchen Reset (definition of done) (PDF)
- Strength Finders 2.0 by Tom Roth (affiliate link)
- Gallup Strengths Center
- Team Relate – The “drag a profile over another profile” business relationship app Leslie talks about.
- Cascade Lake’s Blonde Bombshell
- The transcript for Episode 2 is here!
- The transcript was done by Jessica Shaham Transcription Services: contact her for your transcription needs – firstname.lastname@example.org.
- We’re recording at 10:15pm, but we’re keeping our commitments, people!
- Basically, having kids ruins all your plans.
- Laura’s first adult conversation of the day.
- Thunderstorms can also ruin your plans.
- Stuff happens; you can choose to be faithful to your promises, even if everything seems. to be working against you.
- And you can choose to have a cheerful attitude, too!
What is Marriage? Who is the Marriage Startup for?
- Marriage = all committed, consensual relationships! If you wake up next to someone that you’ve made a “till death do us part” commitment to, it counts! Whether or not your relationship “counts” where you live, it’s totally legit to us.
- Don’t let our traditional gender roles skew your expectations of who this show is for.
- We’re a mixed race marriage. Leslie is Norlombian (Norwegian-Colombian).
- Even if you are single, you can probably glean a lot from this podcast.
- We want to hear your story, especially if it’s radically different from ours!
Main Topic – “The Idea of You”
- “You need to be married to the person you are married to, not the idea of them.”
- Be aware of the expectations you are bringing into your partnership.
- Unvoiced and unmet expectations are the root of resentment
- That goes for business relationships/partnerships too!
- If you are in business with your spouse it’s true 2x.
- Laura’s dad is the ultimate handy man. Her parents built the house she grew up in!
- Leslie is not the ultimate handy man. He’s not even the second runner up handy man. He knows what a hammer is. It’s a start.
- Leslie is not the guy to stay up late and make sure the kitchen is tidy the next morning.
- Laura tries hard not to be resentful of this.
- Reality is that Laura is a lot like her dad and she loves waking up to a clean house and tidy kitchen. She loves having a clean slate.
- Laura has resented not only that Leslie doesn’t do it, but that she “has” to do it!
- It’s been a journey to let go of that.
- The Checklist is up in the kitchen!Hereis said checklist:
- Leslie thinks of himself as cleaning the kitchen most nights! So what’s wrong?
- HelloAgileScrummers! There is no shared definition of done for “Clean Kitchen!”
- As a person who is groggy at 5am in the morning, Leslie wants a clean counter on which to make his coffee in the morning.
- Leslie cleans, but not to Laura’s satisfaction, because there is no shared definition of “clean kitchen.”
- This impacts the business. If the start of the day is tanked, it will potentially damage the business, how we do customer service, answer emails, do phone calls, etc…
- Leslie commits to do the checklist for the week.
- If you don’t openly communicate and share what “done” means it leads to false agreements about your partner.
- “Leslie never finishes cleaning the kitchen, therefore he’s ‘half assed.’” It begins to destroy a relationship.
- Our response is going to be colored by this false agreement.
- Leslie knows this plays deeply into Imposter Syndrome “Amazing business face on the outside, but considered ‘half assed’ at home.”
- If you work at home, this unhappiness over the mundane creates a depressing atmosphere that can impact everything, especially sales.
- If Leslie isn’t careful, he starts buying into the agreement that “yes, I’m half-assed.”
- Just acknowledge that we can’t read each other’s minds!
- Don’t be a nag: “Get on that checklist!” (Would you want someone talking to you that way?)
- If we were business partners, we might take personality tests to help solve these types of issues.
- “The ramifications of not doing the dishes could be thousands and thousands of dollars.”
- We’re pretty sure businesspersonalitytestsare going to be the next “experiment” after marriage therapy.
- Laura “I’m a total personality test geek!”
- Start documenting the difference between who you think you’re married to versus who you are actually married too. Do it in a kind and gracious way.
- We want to know these criticisms so we can be better partners because we know what we create together is better than what we create apart.
- Laura reads her “benediction” (of sorts) to Leslie:
The happiness and fulfillment of my marriage cannot rest on
my hope or idea of who Leslie should be.
I have to relate to him.
I have to allow him to be who he is in the relationship.
Not who I want him to be, or hope he will someday be.
I have to be in relationship with Leslie in the here and now.
Marriage Therapy, Ritual Update
- The “Coming Home Ritual” is really working for us. It’s made a dramatic improvement in our relationship in just one week!
- Day 1 was hard, but it got easier after that.
- Biggest impact on Leslie is that he “knows what to do now” which has made a powerful impact on him as a father and husband.
- Laura loves seeing Leslie head down to the river because she knows that she is almost off work! It brings a sigh of relief.
- Laura: “Watching my partner take care of himself really impacts me.”
- Laura gently reminds Leslie that he is supposed to leave his iPhone behind.
- Leslie: “REASONS!”
- Laura wants Leslie to leave his iPhone in the office for the rest of the evening.
- Leslie commits to leaving his iPhone in the office for the ritual (not the entire evening) for the week.
- WE KISS! WE RECORD IT! SORRY! But not really.
- Your valiant, exhausted hosts grab a beer.
Here’s What I’m Going to do for You
- Putting her iPhone down throughout the week in solidarity with Leslie during his ritual.
- “I won’t use it as an escape.”
- Take care of Ethan, our one year old son, twice a week during lunch.
Thank you for listening! We love you; be kind to each other.